Loss is an all too common occurrence in life. With loss comes grief, but too many of us aren’t comfortable with our feelings. It’s easier to power through and pretend like we’re ok. The past few months have been an immense season of grief and loss at New Life. Since the beginning of the year, I’ve done more hospital visits and funerals than in the past two years combined. In light of that, I want to share a few words of encouragement about handling grief, whether it’s yours or someone close to you.
Words to those in grief:
We all handle grief differently: Don’t expect everyone to handle grief how you do. We range from denial to despair and everything in between. Don’t place expectations on yourself or on others in how to handle it.
It’s ok not to be ok: You never need to be strong for others. It’s ok not to be ok. My kids will often ask if my wife or I are ok. At first, we’re tempted to say yes, but how is that helpful? It teaches them to be dishonest with their feelings. It also demonstrates that it’s not ok to be sad. What if we were honest about where we’re at and how we’re processing through it?
It won’t make sense: Please don’t try to make sense of loss; it doesn’t make sense. Earlier this year, I officiated a funeral for a five-month-old with a congenital heart defect. Last week, our church was rocked by a murder-suicide. These don’t make sense. We try to find a reason so that our loss makes sense, but nothing will ever make it alright. Finding a logical explanation for our loss won’t make it hurt less.
Words to those near someone in grief:
No words are better than empty words: There are no right words to share with those in grief, but there are definitely wrong words. When we share words like, “They’re in a better place now,” “At least they’re not in pain,” “I understand how you’re feeling,” or “Time heals all wounds,” we do so for our benefit, not the benefit of those listening. Those things may make us feel better, but they cause confusion and hurt for those who are already hurting. Our words aren’t for our benefit; they’re for the benefit of those we speak to, so make the most of them (Ephesians 4:29). Or better yet, say nothing.
Your presence may be your best gift: Instead of trying to share the right words, give them your presence. While it may not feel like you’re doing much, your presence is an incredible gift.
Read my related article: The Purpose of Pain
Resources for those in grief:
- Griefshare: A weekly class that New Life hosts on grief. Groups meet on Monday mornings or Thursday evenings.
- Tu Nidito: A place of grief specifically for families and children.
- A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis: A memoir by Lewis about the loss of his wife.
- A Sacred Sorrow by Michael Card: A look at the prayers and laments of Biblical characters Job, Jeremiah, David, and Jesus.
- Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy by Mark Vroegop: A look at the goodness of lament and how it helps in the healing process.
- Jesus Wept: Pastors Greg Lavine and John Beeson’s sermon from New Life on March 24, 2024 on grief and joy.
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