I want to die, but not to myself

On the way to and from school every day, we drive by a large cemetery. “That’s where people go to die and be with Jesus,” my eight-year-old says. He often talks about how he can’t wait to die so he can be with Jesus. While neither of us is in a hurry to actually die, the desire to live in perfection with God is understandable. 

I do want to die (someday), but not to myself (today). And unfortunately, that’s central to the Christian faith. Jesus said it this way:

“Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it” (Matthew 16:24-25).

Paul reminds us, “For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin.” (Romans 6:6)

Why is it so hard to put to death the sin that lives in me (Romans 7:20)? Why is it so difficult to put the needs of others before my own (Philippians 2:3-5)? 

Living sin-free is easy… until other people get into the mix. If it weren’t for my wife and kids needing things from me that I’m hesitant to share with them, I would be selfless. I thought I was… until I had a family. Suddenly, I was faced with the reality of my self-centeredness.

Marriage and parenting are the greatest means of sanctification I’m aware of. Sanctification is just a big word that means to become more like Jesus. In marriage, I have the chance to die to myself every single day. To lay aside my needs and desires to pursue my wife’s well-being before my own. After all, that’s the Biblical ideal of marriage.

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless” (Ephesians 5:25-27).

That’s a high call. One I’m not always willing to answer. 

I want to die (or at least I want to be with God for eternity), but I still struggle to die to myself. Every day, I question whether God will take care of me if I put others before myself. Yet, Jesus continually reminds me that he put my needs before his own. 

Just before his death, Jesus dealt with a similar struggle in the garden. He didn’t want to die either, which is why he prayed to God in Heaven, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done” (Luke 22:42).

It’s ok to struggle through this dying (to yourself). Jesus seemed to struggle himself. While he knew what he was supposed to do, he asked God to take it away. Yet, in his love, he chose us over himself.

Are you willing to ask God to help you in the struggle, or do you try to power through it alone? 

Some of the time, I ask God to empower me to die to myself and serve those closest to me, and at other times, I ask those around me to die to themselves for me. 

May your prayer and mine reflect Jesus’s. In his, he said, “Not my will, but yours be done.” There is grace in the struggle. There is even understanding. 

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need” (Hebrews 4:15-16).

Until we finally enter the soul rest of eternity with Jesus, may we approach his throne of grace and find that he has all we need in the meantime.

Reflection:

  • In what ways do you most struggle to die to yourself?
  • Who is a safe person with whom you can share these struggles?
  • Take time, like Jesus, to share your weariness and ask him to help you in the struggle.
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